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goddess of clarity: a blog about politics, culture, and serenity

Archive: December 13 - December 31, 2004

December 30, 2004 — 10:31 EST

I don't know from where this originated, but this end-of-year reckoning seems to be making the rounds of the blogosphere (check it out here and here and here and here). So I'm game. I love a good year-end round-up. Nicely ordered lists are always satisfying, especially at this time of year.

40 Questions for 2004

  1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
    Went to a game at Fenway, rode to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, danced the "Gay Gordon," gave money to and volunteered in a political campaign, started a blog.
  2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
    No, I didn't keep them, but yes, I will make more for next year. I had resolved to remember people's birthdays on time (nope), run a 5K (nope), and get my finances organized (nope) and this year I will resolve to remember people's birthdays on time, run a 5K, and get my finances organized. Isn't it the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results?
  3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
    Gawd, it seemed like *everybody* was giving birth this year! Babies everywhere! My sister-in-law, three people at work, Julia Roberts ... when will it end?!
  4. Did anyone close to you die?
    No, happily.
  5. What countries did you visit?
    Scotland and Canada. Both for weddings, funnily enough.
  6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
    The Phillies in the playoffs, peace, more friends (boy, that sounds sad, doesn't it? It's really not. I just like having lots of friends.).
  7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory?
    November 3, 2004.
  8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
    Does a redesign of the University Web site into valid XHTML Strict count as an achievement? Judging by the number of hairs I ripped out of my head in the process (Curse you, IE5 for Mac!! Curse you!!), it sure feels like one.
  9. What was your biggest failure?
    After achieving the achievement listed above, I've kinda allowed myself to coast at work a bit. I learned so much the first year I was here, but I haven't kept up the pace this year, and I've allowed some things to slide.
  10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Just a little bout of open heart surgery. A dawdle, really.
  11. What was the best thing you bought?
    An iPod for Mr. Goddess.
  12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
    Perhaps it's kinda revealing that I've ended up answering this question last. I keep coming back to it but the only person who keeps leaping to mind is Peyton Manning; the way he broke the touchdown pass record last week was really classy. I'm sure there were other more important and more noble acts to celebrate in 2004, but at the moment I'm stumped.
  13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
    Zell Miller. Crazy fuck.
  14. Where did most of your money go?
    Rent and other necessities, Indian and Thai takeout.
  15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    I don’t know what this says about me, but the 50 minutes of additional footage on the Return of the King DVD practically kept me up nights in anticipation, and it did not disappoint (Christopher Lee was robbed!).
  16. What song/album will always remind you of 2004?
    "The Mob Goes Wild" by Clutch.
    "21 guns, box made of pine/ Letter from the government sealed and signed/
    Delivered Federal Express/ On your mother's doorstep."
  17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    • happier or sadder? My default position is happy, but I guess I am a little sadder, mainly at the state of the world and America's increasingly fucked up role in it (maybe I should add, "Swear less" to my list of New Year's resolutions.).
    • thinner or fatter? Thinner! (that's something to be happy about!)
    • richer or poorer? Richer.
  18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
    Running, reading, taking pictures, playing my guitar, camping.
  19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
    Watching TV (honestly, did I really need to watch the episode of Celebrity Poker Showdown with Dennis Rodman a *third* time?!).
  20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    Down at the Levittown homestead with the extended Goddess clan.
  21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
    Mr. Goddess.
  22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
    Didn't need to. I've already fallen hard for Mr. Goddess, and believe me, it stuck.
  23. How many one night stands in this last year?
    Um, that would be zero.
  24. What was your favourite TV program?
    New favorite is Lost, but I will always worship at the alter of Jon Stewart.
  25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
    I don't really hate any individual people. I guess I just hate 51% of America collectively.
  26. What was the best book(s) you read?
    American Dynasty: Aristocracy, Fortune, and the Politics of Deceit in the House of Bush by Kevin Phillips
  27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    iTunes. It's pretty addictive. I made Christmas mixes for all my relatives this year, and I had a blast.
  28. What did you want and get?
    My master's thesis published, a cool antique stereoviewer.
  29. What did you want and not get?
    A new television. I'm still studying up to get the advanced degree in HDTV that you apparently need just to enter a BestBuy these days.
  30. What were your favourite films of this year?
    Wow, that's a whole separate list. For now I'll say A Very Long Engagement, since I just saw it and I really liked it.
  31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I turned 33 this year. Passed the day quietly. Went to work, then out for dinner and drinkies with Mr. Goddess.
  32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    I hate to beat a dead horse, or donkey in this case, but an election victory for John Kerry would have gone a long way to making this year much more bearable. And, if I'm honest with myself, if Mr. Goddess had gotten that job in New Zealand, that would have been pretty awesome as well.
  33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
    I'd say it's a sort of Target-Issac-Mizrahi-collection meets a-vast-selection-of-University-sweatshirts look I was going for this year.
  34. What kept you sane?
    Mr. Goddess, white Russians, the Dryden, the Little, and Jon Stewart. Mostly Jon Stewart.
  35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Ewan MacGregor. I fancy him rotten.
  36. What political issue stirred you the most?
    The "War Against Terrorism" and all its nasty, sad ramifications.
  37. Who did you miss?
    Seattle, the Emerald City.
  38. Who was the best new person you met?
    Man, I really can't think of anyone new I met. Maybe I should add that to my list of resolutions, too: "Meet more new people."
  39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
    Don't believe the exit polls.
  40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
    Meet the new boss
    Same as the old boss
    —The Who, "Won’t Get Fooled Again"

—lori.

December 29, 2004 — 11:45 EST

Some more Christmas silliness, this one courtesy of SouthFlorida.com, which posts the results of its "Scared of Santa" photo competition.

My personal favorite:

frightened children on Santa's lap

—lori.

December 28, 2004 — 10:08 EST

A bit of holiday hilarity sent along by Mr. Goddess: Marge Simpson delivered Channel Four's "Alternative Christmas Message" this year over in the UK. See, each Christmas at 3 p.m., as Britons are sitting down to their traditional Christmas dinner of dry turkey and marzipan, they take a moment to turn on the television and watch The Queen deliver her Christmas message to the empire. In recent years, Channel Four has aired an alternative message for those of a less monarchist inclination. The Channel Four message has been delivered by the likes of Sharon Osbourne, Ali G, and now The Simpsons! Yeah!

P.S. The royalists among you can check out the real deal here.

—lori.

December 27, 2004 — 10:20 EST

Having just returned from my biannual Christmas pilgrimage to the Philly suburbs, I feel uniquely qualified to report on a phenomenon of an almost anthropological nature involving the ritualistic display of holiday-themed illuminations and the tribal differentiation evidenced therein. I am talking, of course, about the multi-colored-Christmas-lights vs. white-Christmas-lights divide that is currently tearing this country apart.

This schism in our preferences for electric holiday joy falls more or less along the same red-state-blue-state paradigm witnessed in the recent presidential elections. Of course, as in the political landscape, there are pockets of multi-colored-Christmas-lights in what are essentially white-Christmas-light regions and vice versa. However, for the purposes of our study, some generalizations can be made concerning the identifying characteristics of each group.

White Christmas lights:

Multi-colored Christmas lights:

Now, at first the differences between the two cultures may seem insurmountable. But as someone who has successfully straddled this divide for the last 10 years, I can tell you that the Ghirardelli chocolates of this world can learn much from their Whitman's Sampler cousins, just as the mozzarella-sticks-and-chicken-wings crowd would do well to listen to their sundried-tomato-bruschetta loving neighbors once in a while. Somewhere between Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Antiques Roadshow, between Christmas with the Kranks and Hotel Rwanda, you will find America.

Take, for example, my own apartment. On the front window: multi-colored Christmas lights. On the tree: white. See, a little cross-cultural exchange now and again helps mix things up, giving us the best of both worlds.

Except for the plastic snowman. Sorry, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

—lori.

December 23, 2004 — 10:40 EST

We're heading down to PA for Christmas tomorrow morning. Christmas is quite ritualistic at the Goddess household, as I suppose it is everywhere. But we have a few traditions that I like to think set our family apart from your average Victoriana, faux Dickensian, Andy-Williams-cum-Osmond-Family Christmas that I think many American families quite insanely strive for.

Tradition #1: We don't put up the Christmas tree until Christmas Eve. I always found this practice to be quite sensible. Families that put trees up the Friday after Thanksgiving are, frankly, nuts. This particular tradition stems from the fact that, in the days before artificial trees, both my parents' families would wait until Christmas Eve to buy their tree. They'd save some money, since the desperate Boy Scout troops would slash their prices as the night wore on, but there are some pretty sorry-looking, last-minute trees in my parents' old photo albums.

Tradition #2: We don't have a traditional Christmas dinner. No turkey, no ham. On Christmas Eve, the traditional Goddess family feast is kielbasa and meatball sandwiches. Again, a much better system, if you ask me. Turkey belongs to Thanksgiving. It has no business poking its nose into Christmas. For my money, Christmas and meatballs go together like office Christmas parties and awkward drunkenness.

Tradition #3: We have about 11 people who open their presents Christmas morning at my parents' house, and each of us has had our designated spot around the tree assigned since birth. As new family members are added, slight alterations in the arrangements have been necessary, but the basic seating chart has remained pretty much the same. My six-foot-one brother is still wedged into the same little corner near the door where he sat when he was a kid, and to make matters worse, the six-foot-one Mr. Goddess has been squished in next to him. My dad gets the best spot, next to the kitchen, so he has the best access to the coffee and Dunkin' Donuts (donuts: another important Christmas tradition. You can keep your fancy "brunch." Just give me three or four glazed donuts and I'm happy till noon.)

Tradition #4: When we open our gifts, we take turns. Each person selects one gift, announces who it's from, and then opens it, holding it up for all to see. Everyone then replies, "Ooohh, that's nice," or, "That's really sharp," and then we move on to the next person. As I said, we have 11 people doing this. When I was a kid, my friends would come running down the street with their new toys around 10 a.m., and we'd only be halfway through opening our gifts. I guess my parents were trying to teach us the value of delayed gratification or something. The first time I spent Christmas with Mr. Goddess' family, and everyone began tearing into their presents at the same time, I was taken aback. It all seemed so ... disorganized.

Tradition #5: We usually end up watching A Christmas Story about three or four times on Christmas day. Actually, since TBS started running it as a marathon, I guess this is fairly typical. My dad laughs out loud every time the Chinese waiters sing "Deck the Halls" and then cut the head off the duck. It never gets old.

Merry Christmas!

—lori.

December 18, 2004 — 12:17 EST

Only six more shopping days till Christmas! Still looking for ideas on what to get that special someone? Well, the kind folks at the Department of Homeland Security have come up with some gift ideas for those security concious—or perhaps just plain paranoid—loved ones on your shopping list.

Under the heading "Giving Peace of Mind: Holiday Gifts That Can Save Lives," the DHS offers the following recommendations:

Ah, yes. Nothing says, "I love you" like a yearlong flood insurance policy.

FEMA Regional Director John Pennington sums up the holiday spirit thus: "The holidays are a great time to give important, inexpensive gifts that say: 'I care! and reduce risk exposure for friends and loved ones. Disaster-ready gifts can save lives and are a wonderful way of making 2005 a more disaster-resistant year for everyone."

Honestly, you can't make this stuff up. Have a happy disaster-resistant New Year everybody!

—lori.

December 17, 2004 — 14:46 EST

You know, that might be the answer - to act boastfully about something we ought to be ashamed of. That's a trick that never seems to fail.

—Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
My Favorite Novel Of All Time

File this under "Reality Is More Twisted Than Fiction Could Ever Hope To Be."

President Bush on Monday awarded the Congressional Medal of Freedom to Gen. Tommy Franks, Paul Bremmer, and George Tenet (George Tenet?!) saying the three men had "played pivotal roles in great events," and they had "made our country stronger and advanced the cause of human liberty." Playing pivotal roles, I grant you. But advancing human liberty? Not so much.

Paul Bremmer's pivotal role was his decision to disband the Iraqi army, which was indeed a pivotal decision in that it removed a potential home-grown source of order and stability and unleashed onto the streets of Baghdad throngs of pissed off, unemployed young men who are trained to kill. Tommy Franks' reliance on Afghan fighters -- in his attempts to conform to Don Rumsfeld's "stripped down Army" philosophy -- helped lead to Osama bin Laden's escape into the caves of Afghanistan and/or Pakistan.

And George Tenet?! The man only presided over two of the biggest intelligence failures in American history. Though he did provide the Bush administration with all the "intelligence" they needed on Iraqi WMDs to justify the war. So what does the citation on his medal read? "For conspicuous acts of kowtowing and suckupitry above and beyond the call?"

At this rate, I suppose Paul Wolfowitz and Douglas Feith should be named knights of the realm any day now.

—lori.

December 14, 2004 — 14:38 EST

The contested elections in Ukraine took an even stranger turn over the weekend, with the confirmation that opposition candidate Viktor Yushchenko had been poisoned back in September. The dioxin poison has left the 50-year-old Yushchenko looking less like the virile, granite-jawed, studly man he was at the beginning of the campaign and more like one of those dried apple witch dolls you buy at the county fair and then throw away when it starts to smell.

Yushchenko beforeYushchenko after

Yushchenko's case has caught many in the medical profession by surprise, since most dioxin poisoning occurs gradually, over long periods of time. Long term symptons of dioxin poisoning include tiredness, nerve conditions, and impotence. Add orneriness, an inability to recognize and admit mistakes, and a marked tendency to ask oneself rhetorical questions to the list, and I think we may have a more traditional case on our hands:

Rumsfeld beforeRumsfeld after

"Do I think my arrogance has reach an all-time high, being superceded only by my incompetence? You bet! Has my grip on reality simultaneously slipped to an all-time low, and am I completely incapable of grasping evidence that contradicts my own preconveived theories and policies? Absolutely! Is there anything anyone can do about it? Good gosh, no!"

—lori.

December 13, 2004 — 10:28 EST

I took our Christmas presents for Mr. Goddess's family to the UPS Store this weekend to ship to Scotland in time for the big day. In my naivete, I figured this would be a fairly routine task, particularly for an outfit whose slogan—"Yes, We Can Ship That"—was printed in 320-point type on a vinyl sign hung in the storefront window. Little did I know.

I arrived with presents in tow at about ten minutes before 6 o'clock. To my immense joy, the store was empty. Figuring there would be a line around the block this time of night, I chalked this up as a Festivus miracle. But my Christmas spirit was soon dashed by the two obviously new seasonal employees who probably couldn't find Scotland on a map of Scotland.

The following is a more or less accurate accounting of the transaction that followed.

Employee #1 (17-year old kid with bleached tips and acne): What can I do ya for?

Me: I need to ship these to the U.K., please.

Employee #1: Do you need them packed in a box? (he asked, while standing under another large vinyl sign of a happy UPS employee packing a customer's gifts into a box.)

Me: Yes, that would be great.

Employee #1 OK, I'll be right back

Employee #1 disappears for about ten minutes and returns with a large box, which I assume contains our presents. He places it on a scale and takes its dimensions with a measuring tape, then consults his computer screen.

Employee #1: These are going to England?

Me: Scotland, actually.

Employee #2 (an overly familiar, middle-aged woman with short-cropped hair): That's the same as England, Ricky.

Employee #1: OK, it will be $82 to get it there in 20-30 days.

Me: But how much is it to get it there before Christmas?

Employee #1: Oh, these are Christmas gifts?

Me: I would have thought the Santa wrapping paper and bows on the boxes you just spent the last 10 minutes packing would have given that away (on the inside). Yes (on the outside).

Employee #1: Oh, wait. Let me check.

There then follows about eight minutes of typing and then staring at the computer screen. It's like going to the travel agent. Just how many computer screens can there be anyway?!

Employee #1: It looks like it will be $128 to get it there in seven to 10 days.

Me: OK

Employee #1: Is that OK?

Me: Yep, that's OK.

Employee #1: OK.

At this point, a UPS driver loads a bunch of boxes onto his handtruck.

Employee #2: Could you wait a couple minutes? Ricky's just finishing up with this one.

UPS driver: Sure, OK.

Employee #1: Could you fill out this form?

Me: Yep.

I fill out the UPS form, which doesn't have enough lines to accommodate a British address, so I just squish everything in and hand it back to him.

Employee #1: I need to enter this. [typing ... typing...] What's the province?

Me: There is no province.

Employee #1: For international shipping, we need a province.

Me: You can just put "Argyll" as the province.

Employee #1: Is that the province?

Me: No, it's the county.

Employee #1: Is that the same as a province?

Me: I don't think it matters.

Employee #1: OK. What's the post code?

Me: PA 23.

Employee #1: What?!

Me: The letters PA, and then the number 23.

Employee #2: OK, that's weird.

Me: I know, those Brits are kooky that way.

Employee #1: OK. What is the content of the package?

Me: Uh, Christmas gifts.

Employee #1: Oh, right. You did say that. Is the value over $10,000?

Me: That would be a No.

Employee #1: What is the shipper's export license number?

Me: Huh? I don't have an export license.

Employee #1: The system is asking me for a number.

UPS driver (sighing and leaning on his handtruck): I think you may have her entered as a business, man.

Employee #2: I don't think so.

There then follows another eight minutes of typing and staring. While all this is going on, Employee #2 waits on a guy from India who wants to overnight a package of candy to a friend in Williamsburg, Va. Employee #2 spends the next couple minutes complementing the guy on how "beautiful" his name is and asking if he's really from India, before eventually typing away at her screen, and running down a litany of options and prices, none of which get the package there overnight. "But it has to get there tomorrow. I don't care how much it costs," says the customer. "Oh, you were serious?" asks Employee #2. The customer blinks in stunned silence and I involuntarily groan and roll my eyes on his behalf.

Employee #1: Man, this just isn't going through. I've run it twice now.

Employee #2: Maybe you should call Dawn.

Employee #1: Yeah, good idea.

Me: Look, I'm just trying to ship a package to the U.K. Surely this isn't an unheard of request?

Employee #2: We need to get the manager on the phone, ma'am. She's worked here for three years, so she'll be able to straighten this out.

Me: So I guess you need at least two years of service and managerial responsibilities before UPS entrusts you with the really complicated tasks, like shipping a box to someplace other than the USA? (on the inside). OK (on the outside).

"Ricky" talks to "Dawn" on the phone for another seven minutes. All I can get from Ricky's end of the conversation is the occasional, "Yeah, I tried that," and "No, it's still not working. And then...

Employee #1: Awesome! It's processing! Yep, thanks Dawn.

UPS driver: Almost done there, man?

Employee #1: Yep, it's processing. I'm not sure what I was doing wrong, but it's working now. Hang on ... Do you know what at Airways Mail Account Number is?

UPS driver: Who, me? You're asking the wrong guy.

Employee #2: Just try entering zero

Employee #1: It won't let me. Let me call Dawn back.

Me: Look, can I just pay for the box, and then I'll take it over to the post office or something?

Employee 2: If you could just wait one minute ...

Me: I've been here for 40 minutes.

UPS driver: 40 minutes! Jeez, I gotta go. Sorry, lady (leaves).

Employee #1: You can just leave the box here and come back tomorrow morning if you want.

Me: I'm not leaving a box full of presents sitting on the floor with no packing labels or identifying marks on it!

Employee #1: I could put a post-it note on it.

Me: What?!

Employee #2: Look, the owner comes in at 6:30 to help close up. He'll be able to figure this out.

Apparently I've so stumped UPS with my bizarre request to ship a box, that I now require the services of the owner himself. Right on time, the owner comes in and does indeed succeed in solving this thorny problem of international logistics. Forty-five minutes and $130 dollars later, I've learned a valuable lesson: "Post Early for Christmas."

—lori.