goddess of clarity: a blog about politics, culture, and serenity

Archive: January 1 - January 13, 2005

January 13, 2005 — 7:10 EST

Here is today's weather forecast for the Rochester area:

Today: Partly cloudy with showers developing this afternoon. High 67F. Tonight: Rain with a few thunderstorms early, then occasional rain or snow developing after midnight. Low 31F. Tomorrow: Snow flurries and snow showers. High 34F. Snowfall around one inch.

The woman on the radio this morning actually said today was going to be a "beautiful day" in Rochester. Beautiful?! Yeah, in June maybe! Sixty-seven degrees in January in Rochester is not beautiful; it's scary. Sixty-seven degrees, then thunderstorms, then snow?! To quote Louis Black, "They don't even write about that kind of weather in the Bible!"

—lori.

January 10, 2005 — 22:13 EST

The movie awards season is now in full swing, and as a public service allow me to present:

The Goddess Watches the People's Choice Awards (So You Don't Have To)

9:02 — OK, what's the woman from Antiques Roadshow doing with that fleshy guy. He looks like television's more puddingy version of Tom Cruise. Imagine if Tom Cruise and Jimmy Kimmel had a child, that's this guy.

With the exciting preshow commentary over, here come Jason Alexander and Malcolm Jamal Warner. Is the CBS comedy Listen Up still on the air? Apparently so.

"You see, Jason doesn't understand that you were actually applauding for me," explains Malcolm after the opening joke falls flat. Great, so that's how bad the jokes are going to be. Whoops, now they are moving through the crowd. Never a good sign.

9:11 — Oh my god, this bit is still going on. You would think they couldn't sustain a comedy bit where Jason Alexander runs around the crowd, answering questions posed by "The People." And you'd be right.

9:13 — The first award of the evening is to be presented by Prince, and he gets a standing "O" for just walking out on stage. These people are clearly starved for entertainment. Things are looking up. Until he begins to speak. Perhaps Prince should stick to what he knows best — kicking rock 'n roll's ass! In related news, the award for Favorite Leading Lady goes to Rene Zellweger.

9:16 — Lara Spencer is out with "The People" to present the Pantene Fan Favorite Hair Award (no I am not making this up). We'll see who the winner is after these important messages from ... Pantene.

And we're back. And the winner is Jennifer Garner. And her hair.

On to the next — for lack of a better word "real" — award presented by those perky newlyweds Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. The award for Favorite TV Comedy goes to Will and Grace.

9:22 — The one man freak show that is William Shatner is out next. He's cut off before he can finish introducing the nominees for Favorite Female TV Star. And the winner is Marg Helgenberger. She high fives the hoi polloi on her way up to the podium like the game gal she is.

9:30 — Malcolm Jamal Warner adds his voice to Presidents Clinton and Bush in support of tsunami relieve. But on to King of Queens star Leah Remini and her designer dress woes. Seems they only asked her to present the night before, so she had to go buy something (gasp) off the rack. Guess we all have our share of problems. Favorite TV Talk Show Host goes to Ellen DeGeneres. Thank goodness.

9:35 — Here come some Amazing Race people I've never heard of to present Favorite Male TV Star. Please don't let it be Matt LeBlanc. Oh, look. It's Matt LeBlanc. "This is so bitchin'." Well said, master thespian.

9:43 — Another CBS star I've never heard of is out to present the award for Favorite Male Action Star. She looks like she's trying to be the TV Jennifer Lopez. OK, Will Smith has to win this. Phew, good job, "People." Funnyman Will gets all flirty with Mike Myers on the way up, and with the mystery presenter when he gets up on stage.

9:47 — Oh great, Jeff Foxworthy. 'Cuz he's not on TV nearly enough. He's out to present the award for Favorite Reality TV Show: Makeover. Wait a minute. They've got multiple reality TV show categories?! So it's come to this. I'm officially through with "The People." And the winner is Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

Back on the rope line, we're about to learn the winner of the Crest Fan Favorite Smile award. After these important messages from ... Crest.

And we're back. The winner is Julia Roberts. And her teeth.

9:52 — Here comes Ellen DeGeneres (why oh why isn't she hosting) to present the award for Favorite Movie Comedy. And the winner is Shrek 2. Yea! Mike Myers runs to the stage to accept, and for the first time tonight there are two genuinely funny people on stage.

9:55 — Moving swiftly on. CBS stars Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer pimp for Two and a Half Men. The award for Favorite New Comedy goes to Joey. Oh you stupid, simple "People."

Hey, I just realized something. These awards are all called "Favorite" as in "Favorite New TV Comedy" not "Best TV Comedy." Suddenly its all clicking into place.

10:00 —The cast of Lost are not here because, well, they're lost. Yep, these are the jokes, folks. Thanks for that, Jason Alexander. On to Tom Selleck to present the award for Favorite TV Drama. Given the cheer that goes when nominee The O.C. is announced, I would guess that the average age of "The People" is 16. Oh, and the teens are gutted when C.S.I. takes home the crystal praying hands paperweight thing.

10:07 — Craig Ferguson, the new late late show host, walks to the microphone and proceeds to make two Scottish jokes in 8 seconds. Impressive. Is there really a category for favorite remake? Good lord. Sheryl Crow wins for her soulless, unfeeling but essentially in tune rendition of "The First Cut Is The Deepest." It must be Everyone Who Shows Up Wins An Award night.

10:16 — Sean Hayes sings a song about animated movies. And the winner of Favorite Animated Movie is Shrek 2. More Mike Myers high-fiving.

10:18 — Jason Alexander introduces Armey Archer, the man responsible for giving the "People" their "Choice." They go through the list of people who won but had better things to do than to be here. And there are a lot of them.

10:19 — Lara is back with "The People" outside on the rope line, all of whom are on the edge of their seats waiting to find out who will win the Covergirl Fan Favorite Look award. Back with the winner after these important messages from Covergirl.

And we're back. And the winner is Kate Hudson. And her ... look.

10:21 — Debra Messing and Dermott Mulroney are out to shill for their new movie and present the award for Favorite Onscreen Chemistry. I’m guessing the award will probably go to Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore cuz I’ve seen them in the audience and there hasn’t been a Johnny Depp or Kate Husdon or Tobey Maguire or Kirsten Dunst sighting all night. Bingo, right on the money! Yep, I think I have this show cracked. Time to switch over to the Project Runway rerun over on Bravo.

10:32 — Wilmer Valderama is on to present the award for Favorite New TV Series. I predict the winner of this one is Desperate Housewives, since one of them is actually there, and they've made joking reference to that fact twice now. Yep, she shoots, she scores! As a side note, I think Marcia Cross is actually made out of bisque. Possibly alabaster.

10:36 — President Bartlett is out to present Favorite Movie. There was a Michael Moore sighting earlier; could it be Fahrenheit 9/11? People, have I misjudged you? Nope, Shrek 2 is also nominated. I'm betting on Shrek 2. Oh my god! It’s Michael Moore! I am sincerely stunned. The same group that loves Matt LeBlanc loves Michael Moore!? We really are more alike than we are different.

10:46 — A really terrified girl is brought up on stage to introduce the next group of presenters while Jason Alexander makes sex jokes about Michael Moore. The next award is for Favorite Reality Show: 24/7. And the winner is Newlyweds. Nick and Jessica get all smoochy. Get a room guys.

10:50 — Sheryl Crow comes out to present the award for Favorite Male Movie Star. Not Johnny Depp. Not Tom Hanks. Not Denzel Washington. None of those guys are here, are they? I guess I'm stumped on this one. Maybe Johnny Depp is hiding backstage or something (oh please oh please oh please) Actually, I'm not far off. Apparently he's somewhere in Eastern Europe, perhaps with a gypsy caravan or something? OK, well that was completely bizarre.

Wait, the segue guy just said that coming up next Rene Russo presents the final award of the evening and the nominees are Ray, Passion of the Christ, and Bourne Supremacy. There’s another movie award? I thought Michael Moore won for favorite movie. Are they setting this up so both Passion and Fahrenheit will walk away as "The People's Choice"? Trying to unite the nation through crappy award shows? We'll find out after many, many ads for CBS shows.

10:56 — The crowd goes nuts when Passion of the Christ is read as a nominee. This award is for Favorite Movie Drama and the winner is — huge surprise — The Passion of the Christ. I knew I had this show cracked.

Wow, that was really, really bad. Two hours of my life I’ll never get back again.

Is there another episode of Project Runway on? Oh, good.

—lori.

January 10, 2005 — 18:47 EST

I know, I know. Enough with the lists already. But I couldn't resist this one, and it's really a P.S. for yesterday's top movie list.

While compiling the list of movies I'd seen last year (I didn't start cataloging my movie viewing until I started this site in August), I reviewed IMDB's list of movies released in 2004. And there are some real beauties out there. The following is the Goddess' list of the "Funniest Movie Titles of 2004." These are all actual, non-pornographic movies released in the U.S. this past year.

—lori.

January 9, 2004 — 19:57 EST

It took me a while to think this through, but I'm finally ready to unveil The Goddess' Top Ten Movies of 2004 (alert the media!). There are still several movies that have yet to open out here in the territories (namely House of Flying Daggers, Million Dollar Baby, Hotel Rwanda, In Good Company, and The Sea Inside) and some movies that I meant to see but didn't (namely Maria Full of Grace, The Life Aquatic, and Before Sunset) but with those caveats out of the way, let's get on with it:

1. Hero
Just about the most beautiful, most exciting, most suspensful film I’ve ever seen. Director Zhang Yimou’s other 2004 release, House of Flying Daggers, opens at The Little next Friday, and you better believe I will be in line.

2. The Incredibles
Had the one thing many pieces of animated eye candy (I’m talking to you, Shark Tale) often lack: a great story. And great characters. And real humor. OK, that’s three things.

3. Vera Drake
Such a small, tidy character study, but my heart was in my throat for practically the whole second half of this story of a working class housewife, cleaning woman, and part-time abortionist. There’s no Hollywood ending, but the simple cruelty of real life is drama enough.

4. Sideways
I was surprised at how funny this movie was, but not surprised at the fantastic performance by Paul Giamatti. The relationships between the characters felt both complex and real, grown-up but spontaneous and fun.

5. A Very Long Engagement
Sweeps you away with the love story, so much so that you forget that you’re really watching a who-done-it. The eventual reunion is never in doubt, but the way they get there is so enjoyable, and Audrey Tautou so charming, that it doesn’t matter.

6. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
There was a moment near the end of the movie when I "got it." And I realize that these two people are about to reignite their love despite the fact that they know how badly it ends (thought they don’t really know, do they?). And I realize that I’m seeing the true meaning of love, played out on the screen. Very rare indeed.

7. Kill Bill Vol. 2
A totally kick-ass piece of pure fun.

8. Fahrenheit 9/11
Michael Moore sometimes does piss me off. He does sometimes push the limits of credulity when I think that if he just sticked to the facts he’d have a lot more credibility with the mainstream. But you know what? Moore will never have credibility with the mainstream. He’s a radical. And this year, I needed a radical.

9. Kinsey / The Aviator
I’m cheating here, but I couldn’t decide between these two biopics so I’ve lumped them together. Both captured their eras well, both featured strong performances by their leading men and strong supporting roles for women, and both managed to move along at a nice clip (not an insignificant feat for a biopic).

10. Around the World In 80 Days
I went to this movie as part of a double bill with The Stepford Wives, and believe it or not it was The Stepford Wives I was looking forward to seeing. Instead, this little-noticed movie just made me happy all over. Steve Coogan was amazing, and all the characters were so likable and even tender, that I found myself tearing up when Phineas Fogg is lost and alone on the streets of San Francisco. Plus, Jackie Chan!

Honorable Mention for Movie I Had the Most Fun At:
Shaun of the Dead. I could not stop laughing. At one point I collapsed into a girlish giggle and had to cover my mouth as the giggling continued long after the moment had passed and the film had moved on. I think I actually cried more at this movie than I did at Finding Neverland, only they were tears of happy, happy, zombie joy.

—lori.

January 7, 2004 — 16:16 EST

To wrap up the year in lists, the Goddess presents:

The Top Ten Top Ten Lists of 2004

Best and Worst Dressed of 2004 — Who was naughty and nice this year in the world of fashion. Britney? Beyonce? Paris? Lindsay? Mary-Kate and Ashley? Oh who cares?! Anyway, why should celebrities get all the attention? (Um, cuz they're "celebrities?") How about these other sartorial standouts...?
Best Dressed Law Enforcement Officers of 2004 — These sharp-dressed sheriffs can read me my rights anytime! Or how about...
Best Dressed Dart Players of 2004 — Lookin' good Steve "Porky" Hilger!
Top Ten Snooker Stars of 2004 — Laugh if you must, but snooker is strangely addicting. Or, perhaps living for too long in a country with only four television channels, two of which are showing horse racing and two of which are showing snooker, can turn you into a snooker fan tout suite.
Top 25 Boxoffice Movies of 2004 — Guess who's #1? I'll give you two hints. 1.) He's a big, swamp-dwelling ogre. 2.) He's not Michael Moore.
Top Ten Recipes of 2004 — This list comes courtesy of the Seattle Times. Something tells me I won't be cooking up any "Pomegranate-marinated Chicken with Tabbouleh" in the new year, but if someone wanted to bake and ship me some of them "Quick Cinnamon Buns," I wouldn't say no.
The Ten Best Video Games of 2004 — Mr. Goddess just purchased a PlayStation2 after Christmas, though he quite endearingly insists that be bought it for "us." How romantic! I must admit, I do enjoy kicking the living shit out of things in "Streetfighter 3."
Top 25 Dumbest Quotes of 2004 — These come from the world of politics. My favorite is from Joe Lieberman: "Wolf, be excited! This is Joementum here in New Hampshire." It would be funny if it weren't so sad.
Yahoo's Top Ten Searches of 2004 — I think they may have cleaned this list up a little bit. How else to explain the absense of such perennial high fliers and "sex" and, of course, "fuck." Hey, when we were kids, we all looked up dirty words in the dictionary. Well, that's what the Internet is. A big, global dictionary, but with pop-up videos and Swedish porn.
The Best and Worst of Congress — The results of The Washingtonian survey of congressional staffers, assistants, etc. gets the skinny on which lawmakers are the meanest, the funniest, and who looks best in a bathing suit. No word on who's the "Most Honest" or the "Least Evil."

—lori.

January 5, 2004 — 9:35 EST

I'm continuing to indulge my penchant for year-end lists this week; I'm still working on my list of favorite movies (these things take time). But to kick things off, the Goddess presents:

My Top 10 Addictions, Obsessions, and Guilty Pleasures of 2004

Lost — I think Lost is the first new network series I've started watching since The West Wing premiered. To be honest, I only started watching it because Dominic Monaghan is in it and I was happy to see the little hobbit get some work.
Kozy Shack No Sugar Added Tapioca pudding — what did they add in place of the sugar? Crack? I can't get enough of this stuff, which may be why my recent weight loss has hit a bit of a plateau.
The new version of Bejeweled — it's giving me carpal tunnel but I can't help it. I beat level six the other day, and I had this amazing celebration in my head, like I'd just won the Olympic marathon or something. Watch out, level seven. You're going down!
Project Runway — I watched the first episode by accident (i.e., I thought a West Wing rerun was coming on and, when I proved to be mistaken, I couldn’t muster the willpower to change the channel) and now I’m hooked.
Dr. Phil’s "A Family in Crisis" — while on disability earlier this year, I watched a lot of daytime TV. And believe me when I say I am not proud of this, but I came to look forward to Thursdays when the "Family in Crisis" episode of Dr. Phil was on. This family was a complete trainwreck: teenage pregnancy, marital infidelity, mountains of debt. I'd shout at the TV, "Marty, you are such a lying prick!" and then pause and look on in shame at what I had become.
White Russians — creamy elixir of goodness.
The Philadelphia Eagles — you can stuff your "Subway Series;" what we need is a Turnpike Superbowl! Fly Eagles Fly!
Lord of the Rings extended version DVDs — There was a period in early January of last year where all Mr. Goddess and I did was watch The Two Towers extended DVD. For like a week solid. Beautiful. But I don't know if I can legitimately claim this as an obsession, since (gasp!) I don't own Return of the King yet. I thought there was a chance I might get it for Christmas, so I held off. But Santa didn't deliver, so now I need to buy it. I did watch it with friends, and was very, very, happy for several days before and after. And with four commentary tracks, I foresee much more happiness in early '05.
The Summer Olympics — Wow, the Olympics seem like such a long time ago. But I certainly did watch a lot of it, and the coverage didn't suck quite so badly this time around. I got to see the whole woman's marathon live, at least.
The Daily Show — Jon Stewart has risen above the level of guilty pleasure, and even way passed addiction. He is now a necessity. It has gotten to the point that the only way I can stand to see President Bush's face on television is when I know it will be immediately followed by Stewart’s, bearing that classic, "What the fuck did he just say?" expression.

—lori.