goddess of clarity: a blog about politics, culture, and serenity
Archive: April 1 - April 15, 2006
April 15, 2006 — 14:20 EDT
The Unflattering Politician Photo of the Week
(Prelude to a Resignation Edition)
(Photo originally appeared in The Associated Press)
Ah, retired General John Batiste. I see you standing there! And you too, retired Marine General Anthony Zinni. I'm crushing your heads! I'm crushing your heads! Crush, crush, crush!
The chorus of criticism aimed at Donald Rumsfeld has swelled to a crescendo this week as no fewer than six retired generals called for Rumsfeld to resign. In a statement released from the president's retreat at Camp David, George W. Bush said Rumsfeld has "my full support." That's usually the first sign that someone in the administration is about to discover a sudden urge to spend more time with his or her family. A girl can hope.
—lori.
April 11, 2006 — 20:40 EDT
I don't often have reason to frequent my local shopping mall, but two weekends ago I had to buy a birthday gift for a friend's two-year-old, so I headed out to Marketplace Mall to check out Kids R Us, The Learning Center, Kay-Bee Toys, et al, looking for inspiration. I'm not great at coming up with gift ideas. Actually, it's worse than that. I'll often come up with the perfect idea, but I'll come up with it, like, one day before the party and then make myself crazy running to every shop in the surrounding area trying to determine if such a product even exists, or if I dreamed it.
I'm worse when it comes to thinking up ideas for kids. What do two-year-olds even do? Can they talk at that point? When do they start standing up? Three months? Three years? Do they like candy yet, or will chocolate kill them? How the hell should I know these things?
Well, I lucked out on this shopping trip. Here's a gift-giving tip from me to you: turns out two-year-old boys love backpacks that are four sizes too big for them. And squirt guns shaped like sharks. Who knew?
While the gift turned out to be a hit with the kid, the trip to the mall left this gift-giver less than fulfilled. Malls are not fun places to be. Maybe it's the closed climate system and all that recycled air or something, but as soon as I enter one I feel all itchy, like my brain is telling my body that it's time to get the hell out of there. I think I feel a rant coming on, perhaps several:
Five Rants: Shopping Malls
- Did you know you can now get your kid's picture taken with the Easter Bunny? Yep, the Easter Bunny is horning in on Santa's action, complete with a little pretendy cottage and everything. I realize I know nothing about kids, but I have to believe that any reasonably switched on four-year-old would notice almost immediately that "The Easter Bunny" is really some guy in a giant rabbit suit. What Sears Portrait Studio reject came up with this little revenue stream?
- Speaking of rabbits, when did these guys with clipboards who "just want to ask you a few questions, ma'am" start to breed like bunnies and overrun the malls? I give them my best "don't talk to me don't talk to me don't talk to me" vibe, but they zero in on me like a smart bomb locked in on its target.
- Have you smelled an Abercrombie & Fitch lately? What the hell is going on in there?! You can smell the Fitch all the way across the galleria in Spencer Gifts.
- Why is the slowest person in the mall always the one who is WALKING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Please god, move faster or bear right or something before I kill us both!
- I really miss Orange Julius. I used to love those things. I used to mix orange juice and milk at home and drink it really fast before it turned all clumpy and pretend I was drinking homemade Orange Julius. Yummy.
—lori.
April 4, 2006 — 12:54 EDT
It's a Fact! It's a Toid! It's a Factoid!
On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be:
01:02:03 04/05/06.
—lori.
April 4, 2006 — 13:15 EDT
Say Goodnight, Hammer. Goodnight, Hammer.
“I'm outraged by the abuse of power by the district attorney. I'm outraged by the Texas judicial system being used for political gains. This is nothing but a political hit job.”
—Tom "And I Know a Political Hit Job When I See One" Delay, U.S. House of Representatives, 1984-2006
—lori.
April 2, 2006 — 13:04 EDT
To commemorate this the opening weekend of baseball season, and for the benefit of those who do not share my love of both baseball and George Carlin, the goddess proudly presents Carlin's classic routine:
Why Baseball is Better Than Football
"Baseball and football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
"Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
"Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, like Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
"Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
"In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
"Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups! - Who's up?
"In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error. Oops!
"In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
"Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting, and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
"Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
"Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
"Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end! We might have extra innings!
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
"In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game, in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
"And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
"In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assaults, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy, avoiding the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
"In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!"
The ongoing steroids scandal does cast a cloud over my sun-dappled game, but at this time of year I'm all too willing to forget if not forgive. The first game of the 2006 season gets underway tonight between the White Sox and the Indians, and the Phillies get started tomorrow against St. Louis. Final Four? What Final Four? Give me Opening Day any day!
—lori.