goddess of clarity: a blog about politics, culture, and serenity

Archive: February 16 - February 28, 2007

February 26, 2007 —09:30 EST

We've got cheese, wine, grapes, and shrimp cocktail, and the meatball appetizers are in the oven. Mr. Goddess and I have filled out our Oscar ballots, and we're watching the red carpet arrivals special on mute, as per custom (I can look at pretty dresses without the inane celebrity banter, thank you very much).

We saw a matinee of The Departed this afternoon, so now the only Best Picture nominee I haven't seen is Letters from Iwo Jima. Other movies of Oscar note I’ve missed this year are Volver, Pursuit of Happiness, Venus, Half Nelson, Blood Diamond, and—amazingly—Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (seeing as it stars both Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom, and grossed like a bazillion dollars I'm not quite sure how I missed this one). My pick for Best Pic: Little Miss Sunshine. Mr. Goddess has gone the darker route with The Departed. So without further ado, let's get on with the show.

The Goddess Watches the Oscars (So You Don’t Have To)

8:31— The opening film clip features little close-up moments with all the nominees. That's pretty cool. Cut to the audience, and all tonight's nominees are standing. The ones in the back must be up for Best Documentary Short or something.

8:36—Host Ellen DeGeneres is wearing a red velvet tux. Nice.

8:37—"Jennifer Hudson is here. America didn't vote for her and she's here with an Oscar nomination. Al Gore is here. America did vote for him, and he's here too."

8:43—"If there weren't blacks, Jews, and gays, there would be no Oscars. Or anyone named 'Oscar,' if you think about it."

8:44—Ellen breaks out the tambourines and the gospel choir. "Cuz you're nominated, we're gonna celebrate ya!" Looks like most of the audience don't quite know what to do with the suddenly festive atmosphere; some stand and cheer, others clap awkwardly.

8:46—Ready for the first award of the night and this just in: Nicole Kidman is taller than James Bond. At this point I'm not sure she's human. For Art Direction, Mr. Goddess and I both have Pan's Labyrinth. And the winner is ... Pan's Labyrinth! It's one all up here in the Goddess attic.

8:48—Maggie Gyllenhaal is up to announce the fact that some science guys won some technical awards at a ceremony held at a safe distance from the actual celebrities. "It was a wild night." I'm sure.

8:49—OK, what's with the weird shadow puppet theater? And who are those poor people sitting behind a desk backstange for no reason? Perhaps all will be revealed after these commercial messages.

8:53—Will Ferrell and Jack Black sing a plaintive ode to "A comedian at the Oscars." "Your movies may make millions, but your name they'll never call." Hilarious. Just like everything Ferrell and Black do. Then John C. Reilly pops out of the audience. "You can have your cake and eat it to. I made both Chicago and Talladega Nights!” Again with the hilarious. Ferrell makes a deadpan cut to present the award for Achievement in Makeup. And it's another win for Pan's Labyrinth. The film and the Goddess household are now both two for two.

8:59—Abigail Breslin and Jaden Smith present the award for Best Animated Short. Short. Get it. They're short. ‹sigh› And the winner is The Danish Poet, but there are no winners on our couch for this one.

9:03— Moving on to Live Action Short. And the winner is West Bank Story. Man, if I'd realized this was a remake of West Side Story set in the Gaza Strip I totally would have picked it! Great acceptance speech, too.

9:06—Clips from Best Picture nominee Letters from Iwo Jima, and lemon bars for dessert. Yummy. (The lemon bars, not the clips.)

9:11—Ellen introduces The Hollywood Film Chorale Sound Effects Choir. Mr. Goddess thinks this is way cool. "If that was all human sounds, that's amazing." Yawn. I just think it's gonna be a long night.

9:14—Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear present the award for Sound Editing. And the winner is Letters from Iwo Jima. Could this be an early signal of another good night from Clint Eastwood? Mr. Goddess and I both went for Pirates.

9:16—James McAvoy and Jessica Beal present the nominees for Sound Mixing. McAvoy is so cute. It pains me to say it, but McAvoy's accent is cuter than Mr. Goddess's. I mention this to Mr. Goddess, who looks genuinely wounded and proceeds to make sad-eyed Mr. Tumnus expressions at me. The winner for Sound Mixing is Dreamgirls. Their first award of the night makes it a 3-3 tie up here in the attic.

9:20—Rachel Weisz presents the award for Best Supporting Actor. And the winner is ... Alan Arkin! Mr. Goddess went with the upset pick. I don't know who is more pissed right now: me or Eddie Murphy. That win puts Mr. Goddess ahead 4-3.

9:25—Ellen is brave: she's walking through the audience, interviewing nominees, and handing Martin Scorcese a screenplay she wrote. The bit works. And then the weird shadow puppet theatre is back.

9:30— The first Best Song nominee is performed, this one from Cars. It's performed by James Taylor, so this may a good time for a little nap. Oh, wait, it's a medley. Good idea. Next is Melissa Etheridge's song from An Inconvenient Truth. "I Need to Wake Up" is a good song to play after any James Taylor performance.

9:36—Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore announce that tonight the Oscar broadcast has officially gone green. Gore feels that this may be a good to make another formal announcement ... and he's cut off by the orchestra. It's a funny bit, and oh yeah, he's definitely running.

9:42—Cameron Diaz presents the award for Best Animated Feature. And the winner is that silly penguin movie, Happy Feet. We saw a trailer for it today in front of The Departed, and I actually thought it looked kinda cute. Maybe worth a rental, eh? No dice up in the attic; we both avoided the penguins and went with Cars.

9:45—Academy Award winner Ben Affleck (suck on that J.Lo!) presents a montage honoring writers. Yawn. Bring back Will Ferrell and Jack Black!

9:49—Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks walk on to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Helen Mirren is pretty dishy. The winner is The Departed, another twofer for the Goddess household, bringing the score at 5-4. (By the way, ever since the McAvoy accent comment, Mr. Goddess has refused to speak, and is now communicating his reactions to the winners and losers through hand signals.)

9:55—Backstage, Chris Connelly enthuses, "there's more fun to come!" and shoves a mike in Tom Hanks' face. "You bet, Chris!" Hanks replies chirpily. "More fun!" I love Tom Hanks.

9:59—Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway present the award for Best Costume Design. And the winner is Marie Antoinette, picking up two more points for Team Goddess. That makes it 6-5.

10:05—The Academy let Tom Cruise into the building to present the humanitarian award to Sherry Lansing.

10:09—OK, alright! Your accent is much cuter than James McAvoy’s! Happy now (you big Scottish baby.)

10:11—Gwyneth Paltrow presents the award for Best Cinematography (in a cool art deco dress). And the winner is Pan's Labyrinth, which is the big winner so far tonight with three awards. No luck for the Goddesses; we both went with Children of Men. I'd call this the biggest upset of the night so far.

10:20—Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr. present the award for Best Visual Effects. "They enable us to see aliens, experience other universes, or watch spiders climbing overhead," says Downey. "For me just a typical weeknight in the mid-90s." Boom-boom! And the winner is Pirates of the Caribbean. Another double victory on the couch, bringing the score up to 7-6.

10:23—Catherine Deneuve and Ken Watanabe presents a montage of foreign language films. Groan.

10:29—Cate Blanchett and Clive Owen present the award for Foreign Language Film. The winner is—shocker!—Germany, for The Lives of Others. Mr. Goddess gets another upset! Poor Guillermo Del Toro is in the row in front of the Germans and getting jumped on by the happy winners. Now it's 8-6 in favor of Mr. Goddess.

10:33—George Clooney is like the epitome of Hollywood cool. He looks like he was carved out of a statue of Cary Grant. And the winner for Best Supporting Actress is Jennifer Hudson, who looks like she's about to faint. Two more points for the attic crew, making it 9-7.

10:37—Mr. Goddess gloats about the fact that this is probably the first time in over ten years that he's actually been in the lead in our annual Oscar pool. I start to regret taking back my James McAvoy comment.

10:41—Eva Green and Gael Garcia Bernal present the award for Best Document Short. And the winner is the Blood of Yingzhou District. Mr. Goddess had picked Two Hands, but I knew I had this one in the bag: AIDS victims trump cripples in Hollywood every time! That brings me up to 9-8, with Mr. Goddess still in the lead.

10:45—Jerry Seinfeld presents "these five incredibly depressing movies," the nominees for Best Documentary. And the winner is An Inconvenient Truth, making this the first time in Oscar history a Powerpoint presentation has won an academy award. And if Al Gore doesn't announce that he's running for president, he may find himself canonized as patron saint of all things good and right in this world. Way to go, Al! In the attic, the score stands at 10-9.

10:50—Clint Eastwood presents an honorary Oscar to Ennio Morricone, who wrote the score to the iconic spaghetti western The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. First we sit through yet another montage of the man's work.

10:55— Wait, who invited Celine Dion! And this isn't even a nominated song!

11:01—The guy gives his speech in Italian, with Clint Eastwood offering an assist on the translation. Not only does he direct two movies in one year, writing the score for one of them, but apparently he's an Italian translator, too. Is there nothing Clint can't do?

11:06—"Volver star Penelope Cruz and Volver-ine Hugh Jackman." Worst. Oscar. Intro. Ever. The duo present the award for Best Original Score, and the winner is Babel. Mr. Goddess and I both went with The Queen.

11:09—Academy President Sid Ganis presents everything the Academy does in under 60 seconds.

11:11—Kirsten Dunst and Tobey McGuire present the award for Best Original Screenplay. The winner is Little Miss Sunshine! Another twofer, bringing the score to 11-10.

11:21—Jennifer Hudson sings one of the three songs nominated for Best Original Song from Dreamgirls. Then Beyonce brings down the rafters with .. the other song from Dreamgirls. Cut to the audience who are ... bored stiff! Quick cut back to the stage.

11:27—John Travolta and Queen Latifah present the award for Best Original Song. And the winner is—wow! —Melissa Etheridge for "I Need to Wake Up" from An Inconvenient Truth. Dreamgirls isn't having that great a night, outside of Jennifer Hudson.

11:31—OK, we're now officially running long, and there are like seven more awards to give out!

11:36—Sheesh! Another montage! This time it's a tribute to America through its movies. Good lord.

11:40—Kate Winslet is out to present the award for Film Editing. The winner is The Departed. We both had United 93, a really fantastic movie.

11:44—Jodie Foster is out to present the annual death reel. And the winner on the applause meter is director Robert Altman. Don Knotts comes in a close second.

11:52—"People Magazine's sexiest man to portray Truman Capote," Rochester's Own Philip Seymour Hoffman presents the award for Best Actress. And the winner is—shocker!—just kidding. It's Helen Mirren (and her boobs) for The Queen. This no-brainer brings the score up to 12-11.

12:01—We’re now past midnight and Ellen is vacuuming. Reese Witherspoon comes out to present the award for Best Actor. And the winner is Forest Whitaker, who manages to give a good speech this time. Score: 13-12.

12:06—Steven Spielberg, Francis Coppolla, and George Lucas present the award for Best Director. And the winner is Martin Scorsese ! Yea! Score: 14-13.

12:12— And it all comes down to this. Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton present the last award of the night. This one will make the difference here in the attic. I have Little Miss Sunshine, Mr. Goddess has The Departed. And the winner is ... drumroll please ... The Departed! And the winner in the attic is ... for the first time! ... Mr. Goddess, with a final score of 15-13.

12:17—At 47 minutes over, it's time to go to bed and start dreaming about who will tomorrow's best and worst dressed accolades. Good night, Hollywood!

—lori.

February 18, 2007 —19:14 EST

I have one tattoo. It's on my left tricep. It's the symbol for my zodiac sign, Leo, above the symbol for the Chinese Year of the Pig, which begins today. I placed the sign for Leo on top because while I wallow in the pig's sty, I aspire to Leo-ness: I am a pig who wants to be a lion when she grows up.

Those born under the sign of Leo are described as:

"the most dominant, spontaneously creative, and extroverted of all the zodiacal characters. In grandeur of manner, splendor of bearing, and magnanimity of personality, they are the monarchs among humans as the lion is king of beasts. They are ambitious, courageous, dominant, strong willed, positive, independent, and self-confident. There is no such word as doubtin their vocabularies, and they are born leaders. They are at their most effective when in a position of command, their personal magnetism and innate courtesy of mind bringing out the best of loyalty from their subordinates. They are uncomplicated, knowing exactly what they want and using all their energies, creativity, and resolve to get it."

This is not me. This is the me of my daydreams. The me that knocks them dead at imaginary karaoke bars and committee meetings. The lioness me. The "goddess" me.

When we turn to the humble pig, however, a truer picture of the goddess emerges.

"The Pig type is usually an honest, straightforward, and patient person. They are a modest, shy character who prefers to work quietly behind the scenes. This type of person is reserved with those they do not know too well, but as time passes and they gain confidence, those around them may discover a lively and warm-hearted person behind that mask of aloofness. Despite those born in the year of pig having a wide circle of friends and acquaintances, they have few close friends who understand them and share their inner thoughts and feelings. Such people simply want to do everything right according to social norms. There is a tolerant and peaceful side to the character of Pig types. Such people are never afraid to allow others their freedom of expression; they do not want to cause arguments and if there is any way to avoid arguing, they will probably take this option."

We can't all be lions, I suppose. Perhaps it's time to give the pig his due. After all, famous Leos have included Napolean Bonaparte, Benito Mussolini, and Jerry Falwell. Famous Pigs include Ewan McGregor, Sasha Baron Cohen, and the new Dr. Who, David Tennent. I think I'd be happier wallowing in the sty.

—lori.