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goddess of clarity: a blog about politics, culture, and serenity

Archive: July 1 - July 30, 2007

July 30, 2007 —08:36 EDT

Unflattering Politician Photo of the Week

Special Relationship Edition

Gordon Brown and George Bush in golf cart

Hey, why the long face, Brownie? Tony used to love playing "Super Fast Golf Cart Racer." Ready to go again? Wheeeeeee!!



Britain's new prime minister Gordon "Dour Scot" Brown paid his first visit to President George "Dangerous Incompetent" Bush at Camp David today, where they discussed the future of the planet and lunched on grilled hamburgers.

By the way, did you know that jounalists must refer to Brown as "dour" within the first two paragraphs of any article or broadcast referring to the prime minister? It's true.

—lori.

July 27, 2007 —08:36 EDT

Hey, today is Simpsons Day!

The Simpsons Movie hits the big screen this weekend, and to mark the occasion I've made my very own Goddess Simpsons avatar. And I figured, what the hell I'll make one for Mr. Goddess too.

Goddess Simpsons avatatMr. Goddess Simpsons avatat

I assure you, the resemblence is uncanny. You can make your own Simpsons character here.

—lori.

July 25, 2007 —11:39 EDT

I set my clock alarm for 6:30 every morning, but I never get my ass out of bed before 7:30. So for an hour I lay there, flitting in and out of sleep, as news headlines from NPR's Morning Edition invade my dreams.

It is with that little bit of context that I present this rather embarrassing snippet of conversation from around The Workplace coffee pot yesterday morning:

Me: Hey did you hear Bob Barker died?

Coworker #1: No!

Me: Yeah, he died last night on the set of the David Letterman show!

Coworker #1: Really?

Me: Yeah, I heard it on the radio this morning. I guess he was getting ready to tape an appearance on the show and he just died.

Coworker #1: Well, I heard this morning that Tammy Faye Baker died, just a few days after appearing on the Larry King show, and on the David Letterman show they announced that Drew Carey would be replacing Bob Barker on Price is Right, but I don't think Bob Barker died.

Me: So Bob Barker isn't dead?

Coworker #2: He might be! Maybe Voldemort killed him!

Coworker #1: That's true. I'm only on chapter 3, so I wouldn't know.

Coworker #2: Yeah, maybe it's not a showdown between good and evil; maybe it's a showcase showdown between good and evil.

[pause for much laughter at my expense]

Me: I think I'll go back to my office now.

—lori.

July 24, 2007 —10:36 EDT

I took time out of my busy Harry Potter schedule to watch the You Tube Democratic presidential debate last night. I haven't managed to sit through one of these debates yet; they kinda make me itchy and before long it's all I can do to stop myself from puncturing my ear drums with a pencil. But this one sounded different. Instead of Anderson Cooper, Boy Reporter asking the questions, ordinary Americans posted their questions directory to YouTube.

The questions were entertaining, and certainly more to the point than the long-winded questions CNN reporters like Cooper typically ask. This gave the candidates a little less wiggle room, but wiggle they did. There was a lot of "I would send a strong message ..." and "The American people want change ..." Still, there were some good moments:

Best Question

In the absence of any really good questions on healthcare (they lumped a bunch of healthcare questions together into a kind of misery montage of people who had been screwed over by insurance companies), the question that made me applaud on my sofa was from the graphic designer who asked why, in a country where you can get the same vanilla latte from any Starbucks in any state in the land, why isn't there a standardized system of voting. Bill Richardson got to say something about mandated paper trails in his state, and then they cut to commercial. Curse you, Anderson Cooper, Boy Reporter!

Funniest Question

The guys from Red State Update were a hoot, asking the candidates if it hurts their feelings when they hear people wish that Al Gore would enter the race.

Scariest Question

The gun nut who asked what the candidates would do to make sure his "babies" were safe. Turns out his "baby" is a crazy-ass-looking assault rifle that looked like it should be on the set of Robocop rather than in the family home.

Best Answer

Actually, I think Joe Biden's answer to the above gun control question was one of the best: "If that's his baby, he needs help." It was nice to see a candidate with he guts to criticize the sainted "American people," because the fact is a great many of us are insane.

Funniest Answer

Again I gotta go with Biden. When asked to say what he likes and dislikes about Dennis Kucinich, Biden replied, "I don't like a damn thing about him .. Dennis I think I like best about you is your wife."

Scariest Answer

It wasn't really scary, I guess, but in answering a question about global warming and encouraging Americans to conserve energy, Chris Dodd volunteered, "I drive a hybrid, we have a hybrid, and we use efficient light bulbs in our homes...," and all the candidates seemed to suffer from selective amnesia when asked if they had flown to the debate in a private jet.

Most Annoying Presence

Anderson Cooper! For god's sake man, don't you ever shut up! He spent more time interrupting the candidates to ask them to stick to the question, than the candidates did in straying off the question. It's people like Cooper that lead to punctured ear drums.

UPDATE! Hey, the editors of Salon must be reading my blog! I know imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but how 'bout throwin' me a little love, guys?

—lori.

July 21, 2007 —09:55 EDT

The Owl Post has not yet delivered my pre-ordered copy of Deathly Hallows, so we'll take this time to review the sixth book in the series before settling in for a happy Harry weekend...

The Goddess Re-Reads Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (So You Don't Have To)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Number of Pages:
652

The Story in a Nutshell:

The war against Lord Voldemort has been joined, and in these dangerous times it is Professor Dumbledore himself who shows up at Privet Drive to collect Harry Potter from this relatives the Dursleys and bring him to Ron Weasley's house. They make a stop along the way, convincing an old, comfortable, and somewhat glad-handing old professor named Horace Slughorn to become the new Potions teacher. Wait a minute, Potions?! Then who's teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts? That would be Professor Snape, who has secured his dream job at last.

Back at the Burrow, Harry learns that Ron's brother Bill is to be married: to the former Triwizard champion Fleur Delacour. Fred and George's joke shop in Diagon Alley is doing a booming business. And they run into Draco Malfoy, who seems to be up to something in the dark arts shop Borgin & Burkes. Harry decides to keep an eye on him, but Ron and Hermione are not convinced that someone as young as Malfoy could be a Death Eater. Hermione is also unhappy about Harry's borrowed Potions text book. Once belonging to someone who fashions himself "The Half-Blood Prince," the book contains little handwritten notes in the margins, and following these helpful hints Harry is soon the best student in the class. Harry is also taking special private lessons this year: with Dumbledore. The headmaster has collected a series of memories that will help Harry learn how Lord Voldemort came to be the most evil wizard in the wizarding world. Using the Penseive to experience these memories, Harry sees into Voldemort's (aka Tom Riddle's) past and learns:

But there was one missing piece to the puzzle. A memory from Professor Slughorn, who had taught Riddle during his earlier time at Hogwarts, had been modified. Harry uses all his powers of persuasion (and little bit of bottled luck) to get Slughorn to admit to the true memory: the teenage Voldemort had ask Slughorn about Horcruxes. A Horcrux is an object into which you place a portion of your soul, so that if your body should be killed, you would not be truly dead. But to split your soul, you must murder someone. The teenage Voldemort seems untroubled by this little inconvenience, and instead wonders what would happed if he split his soul into seven pieces. Dumbledore thinks he's destroyed two of them, and he's close to finding another. Harry asks if he can come along when Dumbledore goes after it, and to his surprise Dumbledore says yes.

Amid all the talk of murder and Horcruxes, life does go on at Hogwarts. There are Apparition lessons for students turning 17, there's Quidditch (with Harry the new Gryffindor captain) and young love. Ron has his first girlfriend, and he and Lavender Brown can't seem to keep their hands off each other, much to Hermione's dismay. And Harry can't stop thinking about Ginny, even though she's his best friend's sister. And there is still his old nemesis Malfoy to consider. Harry is convinced he is up to something: he keeps disappearing from the Maruader's Map, and Harry thinks he is using the old D.A. headquarters in the Room of Requirement but he can't prove it. He also learns from Professor Trelawney that it was Snape who overheard her prophecy 15 years ago, Snape who gave Voldemort the information that would cause him to hunt down his parents. Harry is angry, and confronts Dumbledore about why he still trusts Snape after all he's done. Dumbledore has more pressing matters at hand, however: he thinks he's found another Horcrux.

Harry and Dumbledore travel to the cave where a young Tom Riddle once tormented his fellow orphans. Dumbledore makes Harry promise that whatever happens, Harry will follow his orders to the letter. Harry agrees. They sail to the middle of a mysterious lake, where they find a stone basis filled with potion. The only way to empty the basin and reach and Horcrux is to drink the potion. Dumbledore begins to drink, but is soon groaning and whimpering. "No ... stop ... kill me ..." Harry is horrified, but follows his orders and makes Dumbledore finish the potion. A weakened Dumbledore scoops the Horcrux -- a locket -- from the basin and they return to Hogsmeade, only to find the Dark Mark hovering over the tallest tower of Hogwarts. Fearing the worst, Harry and Dumbledore race by broom back to the castle, to the top of the Astronomy tower.

They are met at the top of the tower by Draco Malfoy. Dumbledore freezes Harry under his Invisibility Cloak, so Harry can do nothing but watch as Malfoy threatens to kill Dumbledore. Harry had been right all along: Malfoy was up to something. His clumsy attempts to kill Dumbledore all year have resulted in injuries to Hogwarts students, including the near-fatal poisoning of Ron. Now Malfoy has managed to get past Dumbledore's security measures, and has allowed Death Eaters into Hogwarts. Harry can hear them do battle with members of the Order of the Phoenix and his own Dumbledore's Army on the grounds below. A weakened Dumbledore tries to talk to Draco, convince him that he is not a killer. Draco hesitates; he is afraid. Voldemort has threatened to kill him and his family if he doesn't kill Dumbledore. Just then Snape arrives. "Severus ... please ... ," pleads Dumbledore. "Avada Kedavra!" Dumbledore is dead.

Harry is in shock. Snape and Malfoy escape, along with the rest of the Death Eaters. Harry tells his friends and the Order what happened to Dumbledore. They are shocked and angry that the man Dumbledore had trusted so completely could have turned traitor. Harry opens the locket that Dumbledore had sacrificed his life to acquire, and finds a message: the locket is a fake. The real Horcrux had already been taken. And the identity of the "Half-Blood Price" from Harry's textbook, who had such a way with potions? None other than Severus Snape.

At Dumbledore's funeral, Harry tells the others (especially his new girlfrind Ginny) what he must do: he is going after the other Horcuxes, and then Voldemort himself. And Ron and Hermione are going with him.

Serious Injuries to Major Characters:

Ronald Weasley's Moment to Shine:
At Dumbledore's funeral, Ron holds Hermione and strokes her hair while she cries on his shoulder, then insists that he and Hermione are going with Harry, "wherever you're going."

Number of Times the Word "Livid" is Used:
3

Words of Wisdom:
"Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth."

Unanswered Questions:
Who is "R.A.B" who took the locket Horcrux? What and where are the other Horcruxes? And whose side is Snape really on?

All will be revealed soon! Enjoy Deathly Hallows, and don't worry: you will hear no spoilers from me on the subject. Happy reading!

—lori.

July 20, 2007 —20:10 EDT

It's the longest book of the lot, at nearly 900 pages. Is everyone sitting comfortably? Then let's begin...

The Goddess Re-Reads Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (So You Don't Have To)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Number of Pages:
870

The Story in a Nutshell:
Harry Potter is one pissed off 15-year-old. His cousin Dudley is an even bigger bully than usual (if that's possible). His best friends Ron and Hermione haven't written him all summer. And after fighting off the evil Lord Voldemort (for like the third time! Helloooo!), Harry has gotten no news about what's going on in the wizarding world now that the Dark Lord has returned. Things are shaken up a bit when the Dementors, the totally creepy guards of the wizard prison Azkaban, show up on Privet Drive and almost suck the soul out of Harry and Dudley. The next thing Harry knows, the wizards of the Order of the Phoenix -- including his former professors Lupin and Moody-- show up on his doorstep to whisk him away to their headquarters. And though Harry is happy to be staying at 12 Grimmauld Place, the home of his godfather Sirius Black, he's even more pissed to learn that Ron and Hermione and practically every one else he knows are already there, and the one who's been kept in the dark (on Professor Dumbledore's orders) is him! What do they think he is, some kind of kid or something!

Time for the kids to go back to school, and this year Harry, Ron, and Hermione must take their O.W.Ls (Ordinary Wizarding Levels), as if fearing for thie lives were not bad enough. On the train back to Hogwarts, they meet Luna Lovegood, a Ravenclaw fifth year who let's just say dances to the beat of her own drummer. And if it's a new year at Hogwarts, that must mean one thing: a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. And Dolores Umbridge is one nasty piece of work. Hand-picked by the Ministry of Magic, Professor Umbridge teaches the official Ministry line that Voldemort has not returned, and there is no need for the students to actually learn any real defensive spells. They will read from their theory text book; there will be no need to talk. When Harry loudly and repeatedly insists that Voldemort is back, Umbridge sentences him to detention where he must carve "I will not tell lies" into the back of his own hand. Soon Umbridge is named Hogwarts High Inquisitor, with the power to inspect and sack Hogwarts teachers. The flighty Divination professor Trelawney is the first to go, and Harry and his friends suspect Hagrid will be next.

Frustrated that Umbridge will not let them learn any defensive magic at this dangerous time, Hermione suggests that they teach themselves, with Harry as their leader. A couple dozen students show up to the first meeting, and "Dumbledore's Army" are soon learning all kinds of new hexes and curses in secret. Harry also learns a little something about girls, as he shares his first kiss with Cho Chang under the mistletoe.

His Cho-enduced happiness is short-lived though, because that same night Harry has his most terrifying Voldemort dream yet. He awakes screaming and wretching, having witnessed Ron's dad being attacked by a snake. The alarm is raised, and Mr. Weasley is rescued by members of the Order. But Dumbledore decides its too dangerous for Harry to have this kind of connection to Voldemort's thoughts. He wants Harry to study Occlumency with Professor Snape, to learn how to close off his mind to any penetration from Voldemort. The lessons do not go well, culminating in a disastrous episode where Harry accidentally sees the memories of a teenage Snape being bullied by his father and Sirius. Here endeth the lessons.

Dumbledore's Army comes to an abrupt end too, when Professor Umbridge rumbles the operation. Dumbledore is arrested, or at least the Ministry tries to arrest him. Instead the headmaster makes a dramatic escape. And Dumbledore's not the only one making with the dramatic exits. Fred and George Weasley decide they've outgrown full-time education, and after setting off an amazing display of fireworks and turning a corrider into a swamp, they summon their broomsticks and fly off to their new joke shop in Diagon Alley.

Harry can't escape his O.W.L.s that easily, and while taking his History of Magic exam Harry has another vision: Voldemort is torturing Sirius! Harry sees a corrider and a doorway and room filled with shelves and shelves of little glass balls. That's where Sirius is: in the Hall of Mysteries in the Ministry of Magic. Harry manages to escape from Hogwarts with Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna, and Neville flying on the backs of the thestrals, the mysterious beasts that only those who have seen death can see. They arrive in London at the Ministry and navigate the hallways Harry has seen in his dream. They find the room full of glass balls and discover one with Harry's name on it. Harry grabs it off the shelf, but Sirius is nowhere to be found. Someone is waiting for them, though: Lucius Malfoy. He demands that Harry hand him the prophecy Harry now holds in his hand. Harry refuses, and Dumbledore's Army does battle with the Death Eaters. Sirius, looking quite well and un-tortured, turns up with the rest of the Order of the Phoenix and joins in the fray. Chaos ensues, the prophecy is smashed and goes unheard in the melee, and just when the Order seem to be gaining the upper hand, the Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange hits Sirius with the killing curse, and he falls backwards through a mysterious black-curtained archway, never to be seen again.

Dumbledore arrives as Harry runs after Bellatrix. So does Lord Voldemort. Dumbledore and Voldemort engange in epic battle in the halls of the Ministry. Finding himself on the losing side, Voldemort enters Harry's body and challenges Dumbledore to kill both him and Harry. Dumbledore saves Harry, sends him back to Hogwarts, and Voldemort escapes but not before half the Ministry see him for themselves. They can no longer deny that Voldemort has returned.

Harry learns that his vision was false. Sirius was never captured by Voldemort; Voldemort planted that vision in Harry's mind to lure Harry to the Ministry. Harry is racked with guilt over his godfather's death. Dumbledore tells Harry about the prophecy that was smashed, the prophecay made by Professor Trelawney 14 years ago. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy: Voldemort created his own worst enemy in Harry by trying to kill him as a baby. And there was one more important element of the prophecy. "Neither can live while the other survives." Harry will either kill Voldemort or be killed by him.

Serious Injuries to Major Characters:
Wow, where to begin...

Ronald Weasley's Moment to Shine:
After Professor Umbridge bans Harry, Fred, and George from Quidditch (for life!) Ron, the new Gryffindor keeper, finally overcomes his nerves and rises to the occasion, securing the Quidditch Cup for Gryffindor.

Number of Times the Word "Livid" is Used:
6

Words of Wisdom:
"In the end, it mattered not that you could not close your mind. It was your heart that saved you."

Unanswered Questions:
What is up with that weird archway, and why can only Harry and Luna hear the voices behind the curtain?

—lori.

July 19, 2007 —20:02 EDT

Wow, these books certainly are getting longer, aren't they?

The Goddess Re-Reads Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (So You Don't Have To)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Number of Pages:
636

The Story in a Nutshell:
Let's try to keep this one to 500 words or less, shall we? Ready? Deep breath? Here we go...

Privet Drive sucks, but things are looking up for Harry Potter. It's the Quidditch World Cup, and the Weasleys have tickets! The Irish win, and there is much rejoicing. That is until Voldemort's followers the Death Eaters show up. Someone casts the Dark Mark into the sky, and suspicion falls on Winky, house elf to Ministry of Magic big wig Barty Crouch.

There is more excitement back at Hogwarts, which this year will host the Triwizard Tournament. Students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang will compete against Hogwarts for eternal glory. And there is (yet another) new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, the hyper-vigilant and somewhat paranoid "Mad Eye" Moody. Moody teaches his students about the three unforgivable curses, including Avada Kedavra -- the killing curse. Only one person has ever survived it. Guess who?

The Triwizard champions from each school are chosen. They are Viktor Krum from Durmstrang, Fleur Delacour from Beauxbatons, and Cedric Diggory from Hogwarts. And a surprise. The Triward Tournament soon has four champions, when Harry's name flies out of the Goblet of Fire. Forced to compete against his will, against wizards who are much older and more experienced, and with the whole school thinking he is some kind of cheat (even Ron!), Harry is soon facing his first challenge: a dragon! With help from Hagrid and Moody (and his trusty Firebolt), Harry survives the dragons no problem, and has Ron back on his side again. His next task is even more daunting than dragons: asking a girl to the Yule Ball. The girl he fancies -- Cho Chang -- has already promised to go the ball with Cedric by the time Harry plucks up the nerve to ask her, and Ron is forced to attend the ball wearing his embarrassing second-hand dress robes. Hermione manages to have a good time though; she lands herself a date with champion Viktor Krum, much to Ron's chagrin.

The clue to the tournament's next task lies in the dragon egg from the first. But Harry's procrastination almost does him in, as he has no idea how he is going to rescue his "treasure" from the bottom of the lake. The situation takes on added import when Harry learns his "treasure" is Ron. He has one hour to complete the task, and house-elf Dobby saves the day at the last possible moment, providing Harry with Gillyweed so he can breathe underwater. Another task completed, and now Harry is tied for first place!

Harry has months to prepare for the final task, and in the meantime his dreams about Voldemort and Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew are getting worse. Finally, Harry confides in Dumbledore, and while waiting in the headmaster's office Harry accidentally falls through the Pensieve, a stone basin containing the silvery substance of Dumbledore's thoughts and memories. In the Pensieve, Harry sees the trial of a young man, a man who turns out to be Barty Crouch's son. Barty Crouch Jr. is hauled off to Azkaban, protesting his innocence.

The third and final task is a maze. Whoever reaches the cup at the center of the maze, wins. Fleur and Viktor are quickly incapacitated, leaving Harry and Cedric racing for the finish line. They arrive at the same time and decide to go for a Hogwarts tie, both grabbing a handle of the Triwizard cup. But the cup is a Portkey! As soon as they touch it, Harry and Cedric are whisked away to a mysterious graveyard. "Avada Kedavara!" Cedric Diggory is dead almost immediately. Wormtail appears holding what looks like a bundle of rags. He ties Harry to a gravestone, and begins to brew a potion. He dumps the rag bundle into the giant cauldron and out rises the thin, pale body of Lord Voldemort. He's baaaaaaack!

Voldemort unties Harry, and challenges him to a duel. Harry and Voldemort's wands share the same phoenix feather core, and as such have a strange connection. When their wands clash, the last spells Voldemort's wand performed come back as ghostly echoes. Harry sees his dead parents, and the ghosts of others Voldemort has killed. These ghostly remnants create a diversion, and Harry grabs Cedric's body, summons the Portkey, and is whisked back to Hogwarts.

The crowd is in shock over Diggory's death. But that's nothing compared to the shock Harry feels when he learns that "Mad Eye" Moody is really Barty Crouch Jr. He escaped from Azkaban with the help of his house elf Winky, killed his father the Minister, and has been masquerading as Mad Eye by taking Polyjuice Potion all year. Dumbledore arrives just in time to save Harry from Mad Eye/Barty, and Harry tells his story of what happened in the graveyard to an upset Sirius and a disbelieving Cornelius Fudge. With the Ministry of Magic refusing to accept the truth that Voldemort has returned, Dumbledore decides to tell the students what really happened. The students head for home, with new friends from around the wizarding world, and new fears about what lies ahead. Harry gives his Triwizard winnings to Fred and George Weasley so they can open their joke shop. "I have a feeling we're going to need a few laughs more than usual before long."

OK, 887 words or less...

Serious Injuries to Major Characters:

Ronald Weasley's Moment to Shine:
Ron initially believes that Harry entered his own name into the Goblet of Fire. Ron is hurt, angry, and jealous of all the attention Harry receives. But after watching Harry almost get killed by a dragon, Ron comes around and is Harry's staunch ally once more.

Number of Times the Word "Livid" is Used:
3

Words of Wisdom:
"Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good and kind and brave ... Remember Cedric Diggory."

Unanswered Questions:
With Harry's blood now running through his veins, has Lord Voldemort made himself stronger or weaker?

—lori.

July 18, 2007 —20:30 EDT

Three more days to go, three more books to go, before The Deathly Hallows...

The Goddess Re-Reads Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (So You Don't Have To)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Number of Pages:
434

The Story in a Nutshell:
Having escaped Lord Voldemort for a second time back at Hogwarts, Harry Potter is enduring an even worse fate: another miserable summer with his relatives, the Dursleys. A visit from the odious Aunt Marge proves to be more than Harry can take, and after one snide comment too many, Marge finds herself "magically" swelling up like a balloon and flying out the window. Harry runs off in a temper, and finds himself picked up by the Knight Bus and delivered to Diagon Alley, where the Minister of Magic forgives all (a bit too quickly, Harry reckons) and Harry is soon reunited with his friends Ron and Hermione as they prepare for another year at Hogwarts.

Back on the train, Harry, Ron, and Hermione find their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher -- a tired, tattered wizard named Remus Lupin -- fast asleep. As they settle in for the trip back to school, the train unexpectedly stops. A mysterious creature enters their compartment and Harry is overwhelmed with a sense of drowning cold. Lupin drives the creature away, and explains that it was a dementor, one of the guards of Azkaban prison, searching the train for the escaped prisoner, Sirius Black. Before leaving for Hogwarts, Harry overheard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley arguing about Black, and learned that Black had escaped from Azkaban to kill Harry. So much for a quiet term.

Third year means new classes for Hogwarts students. Hermione seems to be taking every class on the schedule. Harry and Ron take Divination with Professor Trewlaney, who begins predicting Harry's untimely death with annoying frequency. Another new class this year is Care of Magical Creatures, taught by none other than Hogwarts gamekeeper Hagrid. Hagrid gets off to an impressive start on his first day, showing his students a creature called a hippogriff. But Malfoy taunts the hippogriff named Buckbeak, and Buckbeak attacks. Malfoy is fine, but Buckbeak and Hagrid must appear before a disciplinary hearing.

The two things Harry was looking forward to most -- the third-years' trips into the village of Hogsmeade and Quidditch -- have also been spoiled this year. Without a permission slip from the Dursleys, Harry is not allowed to accompany Ron and Hermione into the village. Fred and George Weasley soon solve that problem, bequeathing to Harry their Marauder's Map, an amazing object that shows every passageway in the castle and the location of every person therein. Soon Harry is sneaking into Hogsmeade with his map and Invisibility Cloak. His Quidditch problems prove a bit more challenging when dementors invade the pitch and cause the familiar cold drowning sensation, causing Harry to fall from his broom and, more importantly, lose the match. Harry asks Lupin for help in fighting the dementors, and Lupin teaches Harry to conjure a Patronus, a kind of magical shield that wards off dementors.

During one of his clandestine trips into Hogsmeade, Harry sneaks into the Three Broomsticks and overhears Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, Professor McGonagall, and pub keeper Madame Rosmerta talking about Sirius Black. It turns out Black was his father's best friend, and Harry's godfather. What's more, Black betrayed Harry's parents to Lord Voldemort, then killed their friend Peter Pettigrew as well as dozen Muggles before being carted off to Azkaban. Harry is shaken, and craves revenge against Black. But before he has a chance to do anything rash, Buckbeak is sentenced to death, and Harry and his friends walk down to Hagrid's cabin to comfort him. Hagrid tells them to leave before they're discovered, and returns Ron's pet rat, Scabbers. Ron thought Hermione's new cat Crookshanks had killed him. Harry and friends head back to the castle, but Scabbers won't stay still. The rat bites Ron and streaks off across the lawn toward the Whomping Willow. Out of nowhere, a giant black dog appears and drags Ron and his rat under the roots of the tree. Harry and Hermione follow.

There then follows a series of events that may be best described in bulleted-list form:

Whew! Now that we've cleared that up...

Serious Injuries to Major Characters:

Ronald Weasley's Moment to Shine:
When Sirius Black first attacks in dog form, Ron pushes Harry out of the way and ends up being dragged by his arm under the Whomping Willow. He tries save himself by wrapping his leg around a tree root, but it snaps like a twig (his leg, not the tree root). Despite his broken leg, Ron stands up to Black when they all still think Sirius is out to kill Harry.

Number of Times the Word "Livid" is Used:
3

Words of Wisdom:
"You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble? Your father is alive in you, Harry."

Unanswered Questions:
What is the meaning behind Professor Trelawney's prediction about Voldemort's servant? And what did Dumbledore mean when he called it Trelawney's second prediction? And why would Harry ever be glad he saved Pettigrew's life?

—lori.

July 17, 2007 —20:29 EDT

Continuing my series to help us all get ready for Deathly Hallows day...

The Goddess Re-Reads Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (So You Don't Have To)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Number of Pages:
341

The Story in a Nutshell:
Life with his relatives is more miserable than ever for Harry Potter. The Dursleys' attitude toward magic has not exactly improved with Harry's acceptance at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And when a house elf named Dobby turns up and ruins their dinner party, well that's just the last straw. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia lock Harry in his bedroom, and, with Dobby's warnings against returning to Hogwarts and no messages from his friends Ron and Hermione all summer, Harry hits a new low. That is until Ron and his brothers show up in their dad's flying Ford Anglia and mount a daring rescue, taking Harry back home with them to the Burrow. Harry's return trip to Hogwarts hits another obstacle when the gateway to Platform 9 3/4 is blocked, and Harry and Ron miss the train. But not to worry: they'll just take the flying car! Everything goes swimmingly until the car crashes into the Whomping Willow, an old tree that hits back. Harry and Ron manage to escape both the tree and expulsion.

Safely back in class, Harry and his fellow students meet their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, a vain and rather useless wizard named Gilderoy Lockhart. It's clear from the start that Lockhart probably hasn't vanquished half the vampires he claims he has, but he has won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award ten years running. It is while sitting in Lockhart's office that Harry first hears mysterious voices moving through the walls of the castle. "Kill ... rip ... tear ...". Harry, Ron, and Hermione follow the voice only Harry can hear and find the caretaker's cat petrified and hanging from a wall with a gruesome message scrawled in blood beneath: THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE.

Hermione learns the legend of the Chamber, of how one of the four founders of the school -- Salazar Slytherin -- built the Chamber in the school after falling out with the other three. He closed the Chamber so that it could only be opened by his true heir, who would unleash the horror within and purge the school of all Muggle-borns. Harry, Ron, and Hermione immediately suspect Malfoy. Hiding in the girl's bathroom, Hermione brews up some Polyjuice Potion so they can turn into Slytherins and spy on Malfoy. With Harry and Ron transformed into Malfoy's toadies Crabbe and Goyle, they soon learn that Malfoy is just as clueless as they are as to who the true heir of Slytherin may be.

In the meantime, another student is attacked, and Harry learns that the Chamber has been opened once before. That time, a student died. Professor Lockhart starts up a dueling club to teach the students to defend themselves. The club turns out to be rather pointless, except when Malfoy and Harry face off and Malfoy sics a giant snake on Harry. Harry is able to talk to the snake and calm it, but his fellow students are suddenly worried about Harry. Turns out Salazar Slytherin could talk to snakes too, and soon the school is buzzing with rumors that Harry is the heir of Slytherin.

Moaning Myrtle, the ghost who haunts the girl's bathroom, is even more upset than usual when someone tries to flush a mysterious book down her toilet. The book looks like a blank diary from 50 years ago, but Harry discovers that the diary belonged to a student named Tom Riddle, who attended the school the last time the chamber was opened. Harry falls through the pages of the book into Tom's memories, and is astonished to learn that Hagrid was accused of opening the Chamber, releasing a giant spider into the castle. Hagrid was expelled from school as a result.

Harry starts hearing the voice in the walls again, and Hermione thinks she may have figured out what could it be. But before she can return from the library, she is attacked and petrified. Soon there is another attack, only this time a student -- Ron's younger sister Ginny -- is taken into the chamber itself. Harry and Ron corner Professor Lockhart and force him to accompany them to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and into the Chamber to rescue Ginny. They soon learn how useless Lockhart really is when he attempts to overpower them and wipe their memories clean.

Escaping from Lockhart, Harry goes into the Chamber and finds Ginny lying close to death with the open diary and the memory of Tom Riddle beside her. Harry asks the ghostly Riddle for help in rescuing Ginny, but Riddle just laughs. Turns out Tom is not just any former Hogwarts student, but the memory of the teenage Lord Voldemort, the true heir of Slytherin. He framed Hagrid and his pet spider 50 years ago. He's been using Ginny all year to open the Chamber and attack the Muggle-borns, and as Ginny gets weaker, Voldemort grows stronger. Voldemort releases a giant snake -- a basilisk -- from the chamber, and Harry kills it with the help of Dumbledore's phoenix Fawkes and the sword of Godric Gryffindor. Harry stabs the diary with the fang of the vanquished basilisk, destroys the memory of Lord Voldemort, rescues Ginny, and escapes with Ron and Lockhart back to the castle. All the petrified students are cured. Before leaving for the summer, Harry presents Dobby with clothes -- actually, a sock -- freeing Dobby from his cruel masters the Malfoys and gaining a very grateful -- if very weird -- new friend.

Serious Injuries to Major Characters:

Ronald Weasley's Moment to Shine:
When Malfoy calls Hermione -- gasp! -- a Mudblood, Ron leaps in to defend her honor, only to end up eating slugs. Literally.

Number of Times the Word "Livid" is Used:
2

Words of Wisdom:
"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

Unanswered Questions:
Voldemort can talk to snakes; Harry can talk to snakes. What other powers did Voldemort transfer to Harry when his attempt to kill him failed? What is the nature of the connection between Voldemort and Harry?

—lori.

July 16, 2007 —21:12 EDT

Six days to go until that great but terrible day when the final book in the Harry Potter series is released. At the suggestion of the lovely and talented Alkelda, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the first six books in the series as I re-read them in advance of this highly anticipated moment. Enjoy! (Warning: Here Be Spoilers!)

The Goddess Re-Reads Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (So You Don't Have To)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Number of Pages:
309

The Story in a Nutshell:
Harry Potter lives a miserable, squashed existence with his aunt, uncle, and cousin in the boring suburbia of Privet Drive. But Harry's existence soon proves to be anything but boring. You see, Harry is a wizard. And on his 11th birthday, despite his relatives' best efforts to prevent it, Harry learns he has been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when Hagrid, Hogwarts' massive gamekeeper, turns up to collect him.

Harry is whisked away into a magical world he never knew existed, a world of owls and wands and spells and broomsticks. While all this is new to Harry, it turns out Harry is already well-known within the wizarding world. Famous in fact. When he was just a baby, Harry survived an attack by Lord Voldemort, a wizard so evil that most still fear to speak his name. Voldemort killed Harry's parents, but his spell against Harry backfired, leaving Harry with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead and Voldemort a weakened shell of his former bad-ass self.

The orphaned Harry soon feels more at home at Hogwarts than he's ever felt in his life. Turns out he's a bit of a jock, with a natural talent for the wizarding sport of Quidditch. And he makes new friends amongst his fellows in Gryffindor House, especially Ron Weasley, the youngest son of an old but poor wizarding family, and Hermione Granger, a Muggle-born witch who's the smartest kid in the class. He makes some enemies, too, particularly Draco Malfoy and his bullying toadies from Slytherin House, and Professor Snape, their vindictive Potions teacher, who seems to have it in for Harry from the start.

Harry also discovers a certain talent for trouble. Strange things are afoot at Hogwarts this year, and Harry and his friends are soon right in the thick of them. First, they stumble upon a giant three-headed dog who appears to be guarding something. Then a mountain troll is found roaming the castle. Harry quickly surmises that it was Snape who let the troll in as a diversion, to steal whatever the dog is guarding. Hagrid lets slip that his dog "Fluffy" is guarding the Sorcerer's Stone, a substance that can create the elixir of life.

Harry is now convinced that Snape is trying to steal the Stone to give it to Voldemort, restoring the evil wizard back to his former powers. Harry, Ron, and Hermione lull Fluffy to sleep and go down the trapdoor, navigating a series of magical obstacles until Harry finds himself face to face, not with Professor Snape, but with poor, stuttering Professor Quirell, their rather odd, turban-wearing Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Quirell reveals that Snape had in fact been protecting the Stone all year, and that it was he who was doing Voldemort's bidding. And more than that: Voldemort in his weakened state is in fact living inside Quirell as a kind of parasite, his deformed face appearing on the back of Quirell's head.

Quirell attacks Harry, but he cannot bear to touch him and screams in agony. His scar blinding him with pain, Harry soon passes out and wakes up in the hospital wing under the watchful eye of the kindly and wise headmaster Professor Dumbledore. Quirell is dead; Harry's mother's love and sacrifice has left a powerful magical protection that lives in Harry's very skin. The Stone is destroyed, but Voldemort has escaped, awaiting another chance to return. Harry attends the end-of-year feast, and given recent events, Dumbledore adds some last-minute points to Gryffindor House (including 10 points to clumsy Neville Longbottom for trying to stop Harry and company from going after the Stone). Gryffindor wins the house cup, and Harry returns to his sad life on Privet Drive, already looking forward to the end of his summer holidays when he can return again to Hogwarts.

Serious Injuries to Major Characters:

Ronald Weasley's Moment to Shine*
While working their way through the obstacles blocking the path to the Sorcerer's Stone, Ron sacrifices himself during a game of wizard's chess and is knocked clear across the room by an attacking queen.

Number of Times the Word "Livid" is Used**
2

Words of Wisdom:
"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends."

Unanswered Questions:
Why did Voldemort want to kill Harry in the first place? How did Harry's father save Snape's life? Is that why Snape hates Harry so much?

* Ron Weasley is my favorite character, and it is one of my major complaints with the movies that he has been so thouroughly "Gimli-ed;" in other words, turned into an almost buffoonish character used purely for comic relief, instead of the brave, loyal, all-around good mate that he is.

** After reading all the Harry Potter books in a row, you learn that J.K. Rowling has certain words and turns of phrase that she turns to quite often. I could have chosen "lurid," "vivid," "violent," "violet," "throb," "blinding," or "pain," but "livid" is my particular favorite.

—lori.

July 11, 2007 —14:19 EDT

Harry Potter and the Excitable Middle-Aged Woman

I'm giddier than a 35-year-old woman has a right to be because today is Order of the Phoenix Day! I already bought the tickets online and went to the theater last night to print them out and avoid the rush. I'm leaving work a few minutes early to scarf down some Indian food and then it's off to Tinseltown with some friends for the big premeire. Did I mention I'm excited?

I was up until 1 a.m. last night finishing off the Order of the Phoenix book (I'm re-reading them all in advance of the other big date in the Potter-verse: the July 21st release of Deathly Hallows ) and man! I'd forgotten how much action there is in, like, the last fifth of that book! The battle scene in the Department of Mysteries is going to kick SO MUCH ASS!

—lori.

July 09, 2007 —11:36 EDT

old school Phillies logo with sad face

My team, the Philadelphia Phillies, are closing in on a dubious honor: they will soon be the first team from any of the four major professional sports to have lost 10,000 games. After losing a couple to the Colorado Rockies last weekend, the Phillies have lost a total of 9,999 regular season games since they were founded in 1883. After this week's All-Star Break, if they hold true to form, they should hit the 10,000-mark this weekend against the Cardinals.

A recent article in Sports Illustrated provides a bit of historical perspective:

The Phillies' lack of success has been monumental. From 1918 through '48 they had only one winning season. Between 1920 and '45 they lost 100 or more games 12 times. Over 27 seasons, from 1919 through '45, they had 16 last-place finishes. ... On the Phillies' lowlight tape, of course, the most phantastic phree-phall is the Phillie Phlop. Up by 6 1/2 games in 1964 with only 12 remaining, the team lost 10 in a row and the pennant. Asked in '76 what he remembered about the implosion, manager Gene Mauch muttered, "Only every pitch."

I became a Phillies fan in 1980, when the Phillies won what would be their only World Series. My nine-year-old self couldn't know that it was not always going to be this good. But you learn things over time when you support a losing team. You learn not too expect miracles. You learn humility and a distaste for the arrogance born of successes too easily won. You learn that there's always next year.

So why do we come back, year after year? Why do we "root, root, root for the home team" when the home team obviously sucks? I know why I do: because I want to be there. I want to be there the year they finally do crack it. I've got too much heartache and energy invested in this team to give up on them now. I don't care if I'm 95 years old and they put me on the local news because I'm the only person in the crowd who can remember the last time the Phillies won a World Series, I am going to be there.

UPDATE: Turns out nice guys do finish last. Check out this video of the Phillies pitching in to lend a hand when several members of the Colorado Rockies' ground crew were swept under a wind-blown tarp.

—lori.

July 06, 2007 —10:43 EDT

Unflattering Politician Photo of the Week

(Birthday Boy Edition)

President Bush turns 61 today, and I must say the years have not been kind.

Bush todayBush eight years ago

The photo on the left is from Bush's 4th of July photo op this week. The photo on the right is from his days as governor of Texas eight years ago.

The hair may be greyer and the neck may be wobblier, but the smirk remains the same.

—lori.

July 02, 2007 —17:03 EDT

You see that plexiglas canopy in the foreground there?

flaming Jeep crashes into airport

You know, the one right in front of the fucking fireball shooting out of the main entrance to Glasgow Airport?

That's where you catch the Scottish Citilink bus to Gourock that meets up with the ferry for Dunoon, which I've done like -- I don't know -- maybe two dozen times?

So a note to anyone who may think it clever to ram a flaming Jeep Cherokee into a major British airport: What is your major malfunction?! Enough with the blind, random hatred, OK. We got it. Message received. So just pack up your nails and your petrol canisters and take a quiet moment to reassess the situation. How is blowing up a bunch of Glaswegians going to help anybody? Answer: it's not. I mean seriously -- what the fuck, people?!

—lori.

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